10.18.2004
closer
So I've been thinking. All these things I'm doing, or trying to do, to make myself feel better aren't really doing the trick. I go to my therapist, write in this journal, sometimes write my story, play video games, take care of bills, clean my apartment, maintain healthy relationships with friends and family, etc. And yet I still feel dissatisfied. Why? Because I'm lonely. Because I want someone special. And now I'm thinking, no matter what I do, I'm never going to be satisfied (i.e. happy) until I find that someone. How lowly and pathetic is that? I have never wanted to be that kind of person.
Although I guess to be fair, I am not co-dependent. I can be alone, obviously, because I have been for a long time now. So at least I'm not one of those girls who has to have a boyfriend to feel complete. I'm not that bad/desperate. I'm okay with being alone, but life is much more fun for me if I have someone exclusive to share it with, be it unattached best friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm sick of talking to Joe. He has a boyfriend. Yeah, maybe Joe doesn't like him very much or whatever, but that's his problem. My problem is that he's not exclusively mine. I know that makes it sound like I want to date him, but believe me, that's not it. Far from it, actually. But misery loves company - single company. And I don't want him to be miserable, just not overly happy. But not a downer, either. He bugs me when he's all down on himself and life. Too fucking depressing and banal. Ugh.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like a big fucking loser for being so unhappy because I'm alone. That's pretty fucking lame. On the other hand, I know that I'd be closer to happy with someone who challenges me, expands me, and interests me. I know how I am with those special people where it all clicks. And that me is a good me, which is even better. I don't turn into an asshole when I'm with someone good. At least, I don't think I do.
Whatever. I'm just frustrated with all these damn feelings. Maybe it's time I go on some meds, maybe I'll chill the fuck out and just coast through life for a while. That'd be nice for a change.
alannablue at 7:32 p.m.