I realized just today that I'm lonely. Have been for a while. And then I watched a sad movie. What was I thinking?

Surprisingly, I'm jealous of my married friends right now. I'm not sure I've ever been jealous of married people before, honestly. Because I grew up knowing my parents did the right thing when they got divorced (when I was five), I've always been worried about the prospect of marrying someone. How will I know I won't get bored 6 months from now? How will I know he won't get bored, if he's not already and I just don't know it? That's happened before, and it does not feel good.

The previous paragraph starts out positive and ends so negative. It frustrates me to no end that I have such diametrically opposed feelings about a lot of things. Love, marriage, sex, work, commitment, the very nature of humanity, religion. I mean, how can I believe that the Biblical God exists and that Christ is the way to heaven, and wonder whether God is smart enough and omnipotent enough to know that not everyone would accept one path, so He created several paths that all lead to the same place? I mean, if I can think of it and I'm clearly not omnipotent, doesn't it stand to reason that He thought of it, too? I know my logic only holds to a point, and I'm okay with that, I'm not really interested in a theological debate. I just don't understand why I'm so filled with conflicting thoughts and emotions about a lot of important things.

Spending time with Brad and Kathy makes me realize that I'm jealous of them. They don't have a perfect marriage from an outside perspective, but they have each other, which is endearing. I want something just for me, too. Lately I've reverted back to my tough girl routine. I'm fine, I'm doing great, life is good, etc. Which is not untrue, but not strictly true, either. Does anyone other than math majors understand my distinctions? Sometimes I can't clearly express myself, can't take my logic that extra unseen step into the abstract/concrete, which is why I wasn't a good mathematician.

But I'm good at something. I'm kind and thoughtful and remember startling amounts of miniscule information and generous and smart and have a poetic soul.

My dreams are so banal as to be laughable in the Woody Allen way. I want to be loved. I want to enjoy my job. I want the company of good friends. I want to have good sex. I want to improve myself slowly over time, so the changes stick. I want someone to see me and appreciate me for everything. It's hard thinking your own dreams are pathetic and worldly. I want to be enlightened, not just aspire to be.

alannablue at 4:12 p.m.

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