deep-ending on you

Still busy lately. Meeting with friends for dinner, drinks, etc. It's been fun. It's nice to get back to friends for a while, even if it's temporary. Sounds like I have no confidence or something, but what I mean is that I only get together with certain people under certain conditions. For instance, when my buddy Akhil is in town from Wisconsin, a bunch of us get together, including this guy I know from high school and college, Rod. I like Rod. I used to like him big time, right before Mistake '96, aka Phil. I don't really think of dating Phil as a mistake, honestly, but dicking over Rod I regret. Cuz I chose Phil over him, and only because Phil made his intentions clear with me, and Rod was so ambiguous all the time. I enjoyed the experience with Phil, but Rod's clearly not one of those people who can start over. He pretty much refuses to be friends with me, unless we're hanging out as a group. Lame.

But. But I've seen him three times in the last week, and I can't help liking him again, or at least, being interested in him. He intrigues me, I admit it. We exchanged CDs last night - he borrowed a few of mine and I borrowed a few of his. He asked me why I thought we were trading, and I said to expose ourselves to new things. He said it was to explore others' eccentricities. Ooh, yeah, you better believe I liked that response.

So he's confusing and at least in my opinion, sends mixed messages. Nothing out of the ordinary for me, eh? Yeah, yeah, I know. My therapist asked me about dating, and when I told her I was okay with things being slow right now, she wanted to make sure I wasn't isolating myself for fear of rejection. I told her no, and it's true. If anything, I'm more afraid of someone actually saying yes - I deal with guys who reject me all the time. Heh. Sean, Rod, even Phil back in the day. I don't know what I'd do if someone actually knew me and wanted to be with me. Someone that I found intriguing, anyway. Wow, I'd be blown away at this point.

So we'll see what happens. Whenever I get to hang with Rod, I dream about him. I've seen him two nights in a row now, I've had two nights full of dreams about him. I love that. I'm not normally like that, either, which makes it even better. So maybe we'll forge some sort of quasi-friendship again, and maybe not. I think it's worth it to try, but I can't do it without him meeting me halfway, so it's really up to him at this point. I'm willing, but is he?

Next time on alannablue: We'll find out if Rod's interested, or is just using her for her incredible music taste? Will Joe ever take out the trash? And don't miss the ever-exciting tales of her brief but weird dating life!

Listening to: Deee-Lite's album "World Clique"

alannablue at 8:53 p.m.

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