10.02.2005
My mom and my therapist are worried about me
Just because I'm so angry at the world and its suckiness that I don't want to get to know anyone new, romantic or otherwise. What's the point, I said. Unlike most people, I know myself well enough to know when it would be good for me to make new friends, and now is not one of those times. So should I ignore that and fuck up other people because I'm so fucked up right now? I say no, but no one gets that unless I spell it out.
Another bone of contention is that I said it was pointless to have goals/aspirations. Again, I was misinterpreted. I merely meant that since I don't know what I want in life (a career, etc.) that it seems counterproductive to have goals in mind, considering they will probably change constantly. So why get upset when one thing doesn't work out when I don't even know if that's what I wanted anyway? I'm not apathetic, per se, just detached. I mean, how else can I cope with all the non-personal rejection I get from applying from jobs I never get, or not being able to go into the Peace Corps because I'm too overweight according to their standards? I might as well shrug it off if I can so I don't get unduly disappointed.
It's simple self-preservation, if you ask me. We don't create defense mechanisms for no reason. Sometimes they're entirely warranted, like when children block out memories of being molested when they were younger. There will be a time for dealing with it, but not until that person's ready.
So am I to blame for being forthright about feeling this way? I'm sorry that my therapist and my mom and my friends can't deal with me not being okay, but I wish they'd try harder. I'm not self-destructing; I still go to work everyday and pay the bills and maintain my current friendships and family relationships. Most importantly, I know exactly what's going on, what's "wrong" with me. I think people suck. They're mean and petty and selfish and prejudiced. Can anyone really fault me for not wanting to be a part of that?
And if anyone gets the bright idea to remind me that not everyone is horrible or the world has some good in it or I'll find someone someday, save it. I'm not looking for your cliches. I just want it to be okay that I'm not okay.
alannablue at 8:52 p.m.