11.07.2004
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Ok, so major issues? I'm not sure yet, still contemplating. But let me tell you what's going on anyway.
Went to therapy today. Been kind of blah all week (month/year/whatever), but lately pretty calm. Not happy or content, but not overly emotional or irritated. Just down, but dealing okay. Not great, you understand. I'm babbling, sorry.
So anyway, went to therapy. Told her how upset I've been with Joe and how much he's continually been letting me down. And even when he does something nice, I still feel a little snotty, like why should I be impressed or glad he did something good? There have been so many times (even lately) that he hasn't done shit that it doesn't even come close to making up for it. Yikes.
My therapist brought up the suggestion of medication for my depression, which we talked about briefly before. She's not a proponent of medication normally, she says, but maybe a low dosage of something will help me, since it's been months that I've been like this, ever since the surgery mid-July. Ouch. I mean, I'm glad, in a way, that she approves of me seeking medical help, since I've been thinking about it. But on the other hand, my therapist agrees that I need additional help. That kind of sucks. But at least now I can take the low road without feeling too guilty about it.
So my next step is to find a psychiatrist so I can go have an evaluation and get some drugs. Yay, something to take away this insufferable dull ache that permeates every thought, non-thought, action, inaction. It's gotten to the point where I don't even think much when I go to bed. Which is a good thing, because normally I think so much that my brain can't shut down enough for me to go to sleep. But the opposite of that is kind of scary, too. I talk all the time about needing a lobotomy to get to sleep or to get some peace, but the possibility of being brainless or extremely apathetic is striking terror chords deep within me. I know I'm probably overreacting, but it's the little things that impress, excite, depress, or break me. It's never the grand gesture.
I still think about Sean a lot. Haven't heard from him in a long time (for us), about a month. Maybe longer, I'm not entirely sure. Every time I pass by one of the bars we used to go to I wonder if he's inside. Or every time I realize it's a Friday or Saturday night, I know he's somewhere arranging his football pool. Every Sunday I wonder if there's a wrestling pay per view that night and whether he's watching it without me, or if it's next week and maybe he'll call me and invite me. And the days and weeks pass me by slowly, always waiting for something that doesn't happen.
But it's okay. It's going to be okay. At some point, this particular struggle will be over and done with and I'll have something else to fret about. So I'll continue to control my little world by filling it with despair because that's easier than actually taking steps forward, out of it. I'm such a joke.
Listening to: "Rumors" by Lindsay Lohan
alannablue at 1:46 a.m.