08.29.2004
Reckless Indifference
Well, let's see. Been working full days at work lately. I feel better mentally about not being a loser, but full days suck! They did before, so I'm not really surprised, just a little tangy.
Last night I went to my old haunt to visit a friend and ran into my ex. He asked me to hang out for a while (which he never used to do), so I hung out and watched him sing a few songs in karaoke. As usual, he made me pick his songs, so I picked my favorite first, "Careless Whisper", then picked his show-stopper, Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You". He has a kick-ass falsetto, and always brings the house down singing that song. Once again, he did spectactularly well. I left shortly thereafter for home, not only because I was tired, but it's always good to leave them wanting more. And he did. He pouted when I left, and he never used to play those games, either. I had the strongest urge to kiss him all night. And I know it's mostly because I'm feeling particularly self-destructive, which is normally anti-me. That, and he's fucking hot, especially when he sings. But, fuck it.
On the other guy front, Eddie's sick and we haven't talked in a few days. Really talked, that is. We've spoken for a few, brief moments here and there. Poor guy. I miss talking to him, too. Strange how quickly things change.
So...how to dump the boy, how to jump the ex, and how to bump it up with the older guy. Life is fantastic sometimes. So many choices, so many little fucking ways to obliterate what it takes so long to build. Relationships, a bank account, a job history. Whoo. Gotta love the adrenaline rush of watching the ground speed toward you as you fall. Skydiving through the stress without a parachute - it's the only way to go.
Meanwhile the boy and I had a horrible date. I mean, activity-wise it was nice enough, but the guy just doesn't have the fucking stones to stand up for himself or get over being shy and awkward, and I don't feel like waiting around for him to figure this shit out. Fuck that! And he pressures me every few days to solidify things, or label them. "Are we dating, or hanging out?" "Will you be my girlfriend?" Gah. Enough already. Yikes.
I'm a fucking whirlwind of fleeting emotions. I run the gamut from rage to passion in 3.5 seconds, and I brake for assholes. Come get me, motherfuckers. I'll be waiting.
alannablue at 12:31 a.m.