08.29.2004
Falls to Climb
Spent some time with my mom today. It's the first time I've seen her since she took care of me for that week after my surgery. So it was weird, and nice. Watched a couple of movies, she made lunch and dinner, normal stuff. I love her a lot. I wish she were happy. That she could find a way to drop all her shit and just be happy. Find some friends, date someone, get some hobbies, I don't know. Something. She just keeps herself so shut off from the rest of the world on a personal level. She lies to people at work all the time about her personal life, probably because she feels ashamed that she's not "normal", whatever the fuck that is. And it's not like there's a reason for her to lie. Not in my opinion, anyway. I would love it if she met someone who could just see through all that bullshit and like her for who she is. That would blow her fucking mind.
Anyway, I'm still feeling the downward spiral. The funny thing is, I'm not doing anything self-destructive, really. I mean, I've handled this stressful situation the best I've ever handled anything before, which is really kick ass. And yet I still feel like I'm due for some really off-the-wall terrible shit, like dating an asshole or fucking up my friendships or something. But I'm not doing anything about it. I mean, yeah, I don't spend very much quality time with my best friend, and yeah, I haven't seen my mom in a month, but no permanent damage. Maybe I should get another tattoo or something, something that is permanent. Maybe then I'd feel like I've acted out enough. I don't really want another tattoo, though. I like the one and only one I have now. So I need to figure something else out. I'm not dating an asshole, either. The two guys I'm "seeing" are nice guys, guys that possibly could be long-term guys if I weren't so fucked up, maybe.
I am smoking more than I used to, I think, and more than I should. I'm also getting high more, although once or twice a week isn't really a lot. I'm skirting around the edge of danger instead of jumping off like I want to. Although wanting to kiss my ex the other night was a slap in the face. That would be disastrous. Fun, but not smart. Besides, I know he wouldn't do anything anyway, so there's no point to it. Now, I could work the major ex, Phil...that would be supremely fucked up of me. But then my sensible side kicks in and I can't deal with the ramifications of that, so I sit idly by and watch the days and weeks and hours and minutes and cigarettes float by, untethered.
I'm enjoying doing whatever the fuck I want, but I feel directionless. If I could only put my finger on what it is I'm after, things might not feel so...bland, colorless. Disconnected, adrift. You know, sometimes I'm too good at figuring out how I feel. Once I put a name to it, it's pointless and boring to keep feeling that way, so I have to move on to something new. Uh oh. So what's next?
Listening to: "All the Leaves Are Brown" by the Mamas and the Papas
alannablue at 7:04 p.m.