09.12.2005
a new one
My life is unfulfilling. I like my job, friends, and family well enough, and my social life is as active as I want it right now. But I�m missing something, and it�s not a boyfriend or a passport or sex. It�s more intangible, this thing that I miss. I long for my existence to be independently meaningful, and by that I mean that the fact that my parents love me and feel fulfilled by me doesn�t really matter. I long to be part of something important, to have purpose, to be respected and admired for my talents. The only snafu is that I have no idea what that means in real world terms and therefore don�t know how to accomplish it. So I go to my job, spend time with my friends and family, and enjoy my few hobbies. And tonight, like most other nights, I�ll fall asleep wishing I knew how to make a difference, how to really help people.
******
I don�t wake up so much as realize I�m no longer asleep. At least, I don�t think I am, but it�s kind of hard to tell. It�s pitch-black, and the only sounds I can hear are peoples� muffled voices arguing somewhere nearby. Maybe I left the TV on.
I try to sit up, but nothing happens. I try again, with the same result. Only this time, I feel an odd sort of detachment from my body, like when your pinkie finger goes numb and you stare at it, willing it to move, willing yourself to feel your pinkie at all - but you can�t. That�s what this is like, only all over. Oh, god, maybe I�m paralyzed. I�ll only ever be able to move my eyes from now on. How will I communicate? Eat? Bathe?
At least I can still look at things. Enjoy art, listen to music. Although I�ll have no choice in what to look at or listen to. What am I going to do? Blink three times for Pink Floyd, twice for the Chemical Brothers? I mean, really.
I look around and although it�s still dark, I can just barely make out the edges of objects around me, all surrounded by a net-like mesh substance. The voices are closer now, in the same room I�m in (if this is a room). A man and a woman, yelling about children, finances, chores. Doesn�t sound pleasant - definitely not the tired bickering of a comfortably married couple. More like two people standing at the edge of breaking up and seriously contemplating jumping.
Just then, a bright shaft of light slices across me and I have to close my eyes for a moment. I feel a lifting sensation and when I feel well enough to open my eyes again, I�m staring into the face of a woman I don�t know. Not only am I looking at her face, but that�s all I can see. No peripheral vision. I try to speak to her, but I can�t feel my lips or tongue to form words. I don�t know why, but the way she�s looking at me is odd, without any acknowledgment of my presence.
The woman fumbles at her side for a moment, then brings a tube of lipstick to her lips. While looking right at me, she applies her lipstick, smacks her lips, tilts her head to the left (her left, not mine) and fluffs her hair. It�s like she�s pantomiming her morning routine, only she�s really doing her routine, and right in front of me, all weird. If I didn�t know any better, I�d say she was... no, that�s crazy. I was going to say it reminds me of how someone acts in front of a mirror. Silly.
I continue observing the woman until all of a sudden, I�m turned sideways and I feel like I should feel nauseous, only I don�t. I don�t understand why my vision is limited or why I feel incorporeal and detached from my body. I�m being carried sideways across the room (which from what little I can see is a bedroom) into what looks like a bathroom. When I finally settle upright again, I can see the lady again, but all of her this time, along with more of what definitely is the bathroom. I see movement out of the corner of my eye and I turn slowly toward it. I see myself, looking into a mirror. That�s how I can see the lady and the bathroom. When I look to see if I can tell why my body�s not reacting, I get confused again. I have no body, just a face. A face floating in a green square. I look down and see half of a compact below me.
The last sensation I remember is being picked up again and the lights going on with a soft click and being placed into a warm comforter, bouncing against metallic objects and fuzzballs.
alannablue at 6:10 p.m.