11.21.2004
jagged little pill
I've rediscovered that I can make anything dark, or sad, or depressing. It's 80 degrees out, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. In my apartment, it's cooler and dark and quiet except for the noise of the TV and my music. Even the cats are laid back today. I was laying in my room earlier, not out of bed yet, watching movies on TNT. Letting myself wallow in sadness. When the movie ended, I ventured out into the world to forage. That will be the extent of my contact with the human world today, the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell. I'll watch some Buffy episodes, maybe write a little (other than this, of course), smoke cigarettes, and lay in bed. My cool, dark, sweet room. I love getting into bed in the middle of the day, knowing my peace of mind will not be disturbed by anyone other than me. Guess those antidepressants aren't working yet, eh?
I enjoy the little messages on the Taco Bell sauce packets. I like cold toes. My favorite position to sleep in is on my stomach, face resting on a pillow that's stretched out next to me. I wonder if 20 years from now, I'm going to be the eccentric "Aunt" alannablue, coming to friends' homes for the holidays, bringing gifts for everyone, never married, never dating, and people will console me and say it's not too late, it's never too late, don't give up. And I'll smile with a wistful tear in my eye, and pat their childrens' heads and wonder what it would have been like to have kids, to make my own family, to have a wedding. I will not own cats - ever. I'll learn how to play the piano and grind out "Fur Elise" New Years' Eve, when the rest of my friends are out partying, or spending the time with their loved ones.
Oh, but now I'm being silly, aren't I? Of course these things won't happen. I'm still young, plenty of time to find someone, have kids. All I'm saying is that there are millions of people in the world who end up this way, after divorces or their parents' deaths, or just after youth flees. Is it my fault I can see the possibility now? I think not.
So before you lend encouraging words to someone who's hurting, the little platitudes that supposedly make us feel better in the short run but actually lend to the degradation of our self esteem because society says we should get married, have children, run a business, or whatever, think about what you're saying. It's your little promises that 'everything will be okay' or 'you'll find someone' that hurt the most. Because you don't know that, how could you possibly promise me that?
And I'm not going to find a way to be okay with never having a partner, or never getting the choice to have children, or my family dying, or my friends growing up and getting married and having children without me. I will never forgive any of you for that. I should not be left behind, damnit. Tell yourself whatever you want to feel better, but you all ditched me. Moved away, or stopped calling, or were "busy". Fine, fuck you.
alannablue at 2:23 p.m.