11.14.2004
a little bit about me I already knew
It's really not fair that our minds can come up with things that may not be reality. I mean, necessity is the mother of invention, and all that rot, but who invented romance? Because for us common folk, it doesn't happen. There is no One, there's no forever or vampires or magic. At least, not that I've seen.
I've read romance novels for as long as I can remember and although I think it's sweet, I don't recall feeling the bitter longing that I get from some movies and stories I've read. Romance novels are the fast food of real emotion, real longing. It's never that complicated and it always works out. Not true to life.
But every so often, I find a story or movie that feels real. That things Just Do Not Work Out. Sometimes, and for no good reason.
I've been crying for over an hour now, reading this love story about two men that physically abuse each other and fuck and love and hurt. That's not reality, either, but it feels more real than the candy love in popular movies. I have an aversion to popular culture, but that's another story. So am I sick? So I want someone to asphyxiate me, cut me, bruise me? Apparently, for I have done these things. It's like if someone is really there with me, he'll be real enough to hurt me, too, as well as love me. For I believe that the duality of nature is too insistent to be denied. Love/hate, pain/pleasure, right/wrong, good/evil, lovemefuckmehurtme, please, oh god, yes...
But it's dark, this wanting. And I can't find someone who wants to hurt me, who understands that hurting me is okay and wanted and needed, as long as you stay. That's the part people don't get. Sean used to hurt me, but then he went away. That's the wrong kind of hurt. Abuse me, but be there to wipe my tears afterward. Sean used to use me, but I was his to use. There's a sense of belonging, possession, when someone uses you.
And I know there's plenty of people out there into the whole BDSM thing, but it's a lifestyle for them, a subculture. I'm looking for a more personal interaction. Someone to lay claim to me, and me only. Declare me as their own, and under no circumstance will I be allowed to go. And that's the trick, why would I want to?
I have to be allowed to abuse you, too. Flexible, open-minded. There doesn't have to be a balance, but let me fuck you when I want to be in control. Let me kidnap your tongue and suck it into my mouth until I'm in danger of swallowing you. I want to inflict bruises and cuts, too.
Does this make me non-mainstream? Am I intending to be different from the pack? No, I think these are just things about me that I've known for a long time.
Phil used to let me get the upper hand sometimes. But mostly, he was the one in charge, which I'm a big fan of. He just wasn't mean enough, or didn't allow himself to be mean enough, for me. He'd choke me and fuck me up the ass and let me suck on his tongue and leave bruises on most of his body. Sean #3 let me give him a necklace of welts.
So I'm looking. I think I always will be, no matter how much I tell myself I'm not. The thing that's different about me from other people is, I'm willing to look everywhere. People I already know, strangers, whoever. But no one looks back. I just need someone to look back.
Listening to: David Gray's "White Ladder" album
alannablue at 3:35 p.m.