10.03.2004
walking tall or running scared?
So. I got the requisite text message from Sean. Of course, it's the day before a wrestling pay-per-view, which we always go watch together at a bar. He always text-messages me the day before to remind me to go. Not to *ask* me to go, to remind me to be there. Like I'm Pavlov's fucking dog. And most of the time, I admit, I have been. Jumped at his command. Shown up when he wanted, talked when he wanted, sucked his dick when he wanted. Well you know what, I'm not playing anymore. I'm tired of trying my hardest to be what he needs, and him never giving a shit for one second about what I need. In any sense - physically, emotionally, or friendship-wise.
His text message said "The Rock will be walking tall Sunday at Primetime. Will u?" He tries real hard to be witty, and succeeds half the time. Walking Tall is the Rock's latest movie, if you didn't know. So, ha, ha, funny, funny. Anyway, it bugs me that he does shit like that. If he doesn't really want me in his life, why does he keep insisting that I stick around? And doesn't even do what I would consider the bare minimum to maintain my friendship, which is why I go on and on about it all the fucking time. Anyway, I just can't believe that he's that much of a dick to keep me around just enough so that he can get gratification when he wants it. Not necessarily sexual gratification, because that's not very frequent, not even when we were seeing each other all the time. But emotional gratification, maybe. I build him up, let him feel taller around me. I don't see anything wrong with building up other people, but when they take and take without ever giving back, it's not a good situation.
The worst part is, I still want to go tomorrow night. I want to see him. I want to see the Rock. Too bad I can't watch it at home. Well, I guess I could, but I'm not paying $40 just to spite Sean AND appease my desire for eye candy. That's just stupid. I just wish I could be happy with just being his friend and let the rest go. I want to just suck it up and get over it already. Joe and I "dated" for like two weeks once, and then he called it quits and broke my little baby heart, but I got over it. And now we're best friends. More than that, really. I would love for that to happen with Sean. More than anything, I want to see him happy. Fulfilled and living a good life for himself, whatever that may be. Being a professional gambler, singer, golfer, whatever his heart desires. I just don't see it happening. I don't see him making it happen. And sometimes, I guess people don't do what they really want in life, because they're too scared - of happiness, of succeeding. Because what then? I just don't know if I can endure the heartbreak of not only not ever really having him the way I want him, but also of watching him never do anything with his life.
It makes me so sad. Because one day, maybe soon, I'll move on and leave him behind, in one way or another. And I'll probably always get sad thinking of him because I'll know he's still doing the same shit he does now, and always has. Gambling, playing golf, working some crap job just to have enough money to gamble, living with his mom, and never being close to anyone. I know most people don't think about stuff like this, or feel as empathetic as I do toward "losers" as I guess he could be called, but he's special. To me, at least. And that's what makes this situation so difficult. It's not that we sort of dated, and now we're not. It's that he's so capable of so many things, and doesn't pursue any of them, really. Not even gambling. He limits himself to situations where he feels comfortable, where he thinks or knows he can win. Yes, it's intimidating to be in situations where you're not the best, or not even as good as anyone else around you, but I deal with it all the time. Most people do. It's called taking risks, growing as a person, growing up.
Come on, Sean. Surprise me. Do something unexpected. If you call me tomorrow to ask me to go to wrestling with you, I'm going to tell you that you hurt my feelings by not calling me after the blowjob a few weeks ago. That I don't want to be friends with benefits, I never did. And it was okay before to do those things because I never expected you to up and take off like you did. But now, when you have your life and I have mine, and you're still not offering what I'm looking for, I'm not giving you what you want anymore. I'm going to tell you all of this, and when I do, surprise me. Tell me you understand, that you're fucked up, and that it'll never happen again. Because if you're not willing to be around sometimes when I want you to, or even to courtesy call after a rendezvous, then it's not okay by me to have a sexual relationship. Sorry. As much as I enjoy it (and you), the cost to me emotionally doesn't outweigh the benefits.
Man up and communicate to me. That's the only way you're going to salvage anything we have had, do have, or will have. Without that, we're pretty much dead man walking. It may take me a while to actually cut you off completely, but I will. You may not even care, I realize that's a possibility. And figuring that out may hurt me, too. But it's better than this constant state of what-the-fuck? It has to be. Because feeling like this sucks.
alannablue at 1:40 a.m.