09.27.2004
My Meritopia
So I guess I've decided to stop fooling myself. About Sean, about guys in general. I don't want a sex thing, I never have. Don't get me wrong - sex is great and I love giving head, but it's not the end-all, be-all of interaction for me. I love the getting inside someone's mind, letting them in mine, debating, fighting, making up, and starting all over again. I love when someone else tells me something about myself that even I didn't know. Hell, tell me something I do know about myself, even if it is fluffy. But make it something below the surface, not common to everyone in the world. Yes, I care about people. Duh.
Anyway, the point is I don't want a fling. I want a connection with someone - something special, be it with a friend, or romance. I have had many satisfying friendships, still do. Joe fulfills me in many ways. I mean, yes, I ultimately want to find a romantic, sexual connection, but all things come to those that wait, right? So I've resigned myself to waiting again. Funny thing is, hasn't been that long that I've been actively trying to fuck myself up. Only two months, max. And aggressively only in the last two weeks. So, hey, good for me, right? I figure out my shit quicker than most people do, or even want to. I love and hate that about myself, I really do. It doesn't allow me to have much in the way of self-destructive fun. Damn principles. They're nice and everything, but meanwhile I'm not getting laid. Fucking sucks.
I wish life were more merit-biased. Then good people would have good things happen, and bad people would have bad things happen. Instead Sean walks around life in his zombie state, surfacely happy as a lark, while I trudge through this quagmire of shit, feeling nothing but grief and pain, some self-inflicted but most from unfeeling assholes. That's just fucking great. I'd also have a perfect job in this meritopia, get paid a shitload of money, and have a wonderful companion that talks to me AND fucks me senseless. I don't think that's too much to hope for. For a guy to get painfully hard when I say something brilliant and want to fuck me on the spot. Or to catch me humbly doing something selfless and feel pride because I'm his girl. Because that's how I feel about other people. I'm not the only one out there like me, I can't be. I'm not that special. So where the fuck are you people?? Come find me, I dare you.
alannablue at 8:51 p.m.