09.17.2004
Sean: Return of the King
I am so stupid. I've been so angsty about the whole Sean situation, and trying to work through our issues on my own. It's hard because he still wants to be friends and I can't turn away. I promised him I wouldn't once upon a time, and although I could claim that he has done something bad enough to warrant my cancellation of friendship, he obviously hasn't in my mind since I do still talk to him and hang out occasionally.
Anyway, we've been text-messaging each other like mad lately, ever since he got his cell phone updated. Last night we start flirting, talking about blow jobs and stuff (dirty, I know), and then he shows up at my door. 11:30 p.m. I was shocked. He was on his way to his buddy's house to play Monopoly and I guess he thought he'd stop by for a quick one. Well, let me tell you, it's been almost a year and a half since the last time we fooled around. He was kind of shy and embarassed, but I've never been very forward with him before and I was being kind of slutty in the text messages, telling him I wouldn't blow him in front of an audience, and that he made me hot, etc. I'm bad. The whole experience is so surreal - like a dream I had of Sean instead of him really being there. Except the biggest difference is, I can never predict what he'll say or do. But it please me to think that he probably doesn't know what I'll say or do, either.
It just amazes me, the transformation from the way he is normally to the way he is when he's unsure of himself. Like as soon as he stepped into my house last night - quiet, reserved, closed-off movements and body expression. Then I made up some excuse to get him into my room after a few minutes of small talk with Joe. He stood around for a while, talking, nervous. I made him suffer for a while, trying to figure out what to talk about, how to stand comfortably, whether he should sit. The only place to sit is on my bed, and that's danger territory. I couldn't stop grinning, it was terrible. I guess I have this idea that people who are friends with benefits aren't shy or awkward about it, they just admit they have needs they want fulfilled by the other person and have at it. But with Sean, he's so fucking...I don't know, shy doesn't seem like the right word, unconfident, unsure, ashamed (which he should be, to some extent).
Then at some point, he always lays back, folding his arms under his head and gestures at me to start. Such a wierd blend of cocky and nervous. Because as soon as I touch him he jumps. He's extremely ticklish, so he anticipates my hands before I even lift his shirt, unbuckle his jeans, touch his stomach. But I do anyway - tickle him, I mean. I make a joke of it. I told him to unbutton his belt and unzip for me. He looked at me funny, but did it, then refolded his arms under his head and waited.
So I did my thing. It was only a few minutes, which is unusual for him, he used to prolong it. So either he was in a hurry, or it just felt that good, or couldn't hold it because it's been a year and a half. Probably all of the above. He loves to watch me, chuckles at all my "quirks" as he called it - how I kiss the tip sweetly, how I flick my toes when I'm getting into it, how I sigh and cuddle down there when he's done. And some little lip smacking noise I do. He knows it all, loves it all. That kills me, it really does.
So as he was putting on his shoes to leave, I told him to tell me something nice. He couldn't think of anything. He looked at me in utter confusion and I had to tell him what to say, the completely unromantic "Thanks, you're the shit." But he did kiss me on the cheek at the door when he left. I don't regret it, I truly don't. What I do regret is the wondering now - what does it mean, will it happen again, do I want it to happen again, when will he reciprocate, when will I stand up for myself, did I really *do* that? This raises a lot of questions, Nate. It really does. Is he trying to be a user and an asshole, or does he think I want to suck his dick so badly I'll sell my self esteem for it? If he thinks that, he's wrong. Or am I fooling myself just to seem close to him again? Sigh.
alannablue at 5:02 p.m.