08.30.2004
Excerpt from my Short Story
Oh, fuck. I can barely breathe. Standing on the edge of the plank suspended in the sky atop "Glory's Tower". Alone, always alone. Except this time it's not the nightmare I've been having. This is real, this is really happening.
Fighting beneath me. Buffy, the others. Trying to stop this from happening. But I know, they have to know, it's going to be too late. Someone's going to die, the world is going to end. Except I'm the only one who's going to die. Only my world is ending. And I know it. I wish I didn't know.
I gasp in surprise when the old guy with the lizard tongue appears on the plank with me. Evil, knowing grin. He approaches me menacingly. I know he's going to hurt me. He threatens, sneers and I react like Dawn, crying and sniffling. I will miss this place, these people, this life. I'll miss *him*. I close my eyes against the mean man and the black night sky and think of him. His laugh, the way he curls his toes around my feet when we sleep, the way his eyelashes flutter when he's little-boy happy at finding his favorite punk record in a store.
And suddenly I hear his voice. My eyelids snap open, and he's struggling with the little mean man. The mean man lifts Spike off the plank and hurls him over the edge. As he falls, I see the disappointment in his eyes. He couldn't save me. I want to cry.
The mean man moves quickly to me. I hold my breath in anticipation of the pain, but there it is. The white-hot searing, the liquid falling apart. And yet I remain standing, tied to the plank. At my back, a portal begins to open. Purple and pink light hits the back of my eyelids as I close my eyes again. Something's going to swallow me whole from behind. There'll be no chance to scream, no one to cry out to. At least I'll go first, before I have to see anyone else die.
And then Buffy's untying me, dragging me backward along the plank. I didn't even hear her fight the mean little man, or yelling at me to wake up, snap out of it.
"Buffy, it's started." I indicated with my eyes the open portal behind her, nodding slightly.
Her eyes widen and she turns, staring in fright at the portal. All manner of creatures are flying, crawling, or being otherwise zapped into our world: zombies, dragons, creepy crawly worms, vampires by the dozens. I've never seen her truly afraid before.
I blink my eyes rapidly and stagger in Buffy's grip. She turns back to me, the worried frown on her face now for me. She shakes me a little. "Courtney, you are going to get through this. Do you hear me?"
I don't hear her. I hear the nightmare voice. Death is your gift. Death is your gift. Death is your gift. I cover my ears with my hands and yell out incoherent syllables of confusion. I open my eyes and stare at Buffy. Brilliant, alive, glowing Buffy. She's everything I'd want to protect in this world. Someone who devotes their life to helping others, come hell or high water. And the others below, trying so hard to save me. Me, when I don't even belong in their world. Spike...
And I know what I have to do. Death is *my* gift, this time. I'm going to give them the chance to live. It's why I was brought here. I know this now.
I grab Buffy's arms and swing her around, so I'm closer to the portal. I look her in the eyes.
"Buffy, listen to me. I love you. I will always love you. Take care of the others, they're going to need you more than ever here. Tell Giles... tell Giles I figured it out. Death is my gift. I'm glad I knew you. And I'm so proud of you, Buffy. Things are going to get harder before they're better, but you can handle it. I know you can. And tell Spike he was never my Sid."
I turn and run toward the end of the plank, toward the portal. I see the bridge in the skyline, my path to whatever's next after this life. I'm not very graceful, but my dive into the abyss was the most poetic thing I've ever done, physically and spiritually. For a few seconds, my body buzzes like I have a really good high, then the feelings start to sour. I feel excruciating lightning bolts streaking through me, but the pain is too intense to react much to. And by the time my body hits the ground near my friends, I'm no longer in it.
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Like it? I do. If you know the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series, this will make more sense. It's a reworking of the season 5 finale, "The Gift", where Buffy dies (again).
Buffy fan fiction is cool. But mine is...insanely personal, obviously. *shrug* Still cool and therapeutic.
Listening to: "Hit the Floor" by Linkin Park
alannablue at 6:01 p.m.