08.16.2006
self-loathing
Someone at work yesterday was commenting on women with PMS. I am so sick of not getting credit for my very creative, well-planned bitchiness. I mean, I work hard at it!
I love the show House. Mostly because House himself is miserable all the time. And he's still appealing. Or is it because he's miserable that he's appealing? The chicken or the egg. Hmm. Despite his misery, he holds a job, has friends, and gets trim. I say, bravo. The world has this idea that everyone has to be happy to function. And that's just not true. I do it every day.
I want to write. I'm just so weary of everything, even myself. I've always thought I was the shit, but now it's hard to muster up even that much positive thought. Now I think I'm just like everything I've never wanted to be: scared of change, scared of vulnerability, scared of failing. It's a mean thing to be scared all the time. I stay in a job that not only do I hate but that also crushes my soul under the weight of its bullshitosity. I bite my nails trying to figure out how to lose weight, writing down what I eat, meeting with my nutritionist, not exercising, and constantly lamenting about how hard it would be to get a weight-loss surgery. I get wasted on the weekends because it's the only way to get rid of my perpetual headache. I wear the same clothes over and over instead of going shopping because I'm scared of not finding anything to buy in my size(again). I sit at home and feel sorry for myself, because no one else will. And I whine about all of this and do nothing about it. I'm pathetic and depressed. Bitter and frustrated. Sad, lonely, lazy. I wake up tired every day, despite 8 hours of sleep. I can't seem to cut a break in any of the areas of my life I'm trying to improve in. And it seems highly unfair. On top of that, I feel guilty that I have so much more than a lot of other people and I still complain. I suppose it's human nature, but I've never wanted to be in the majority. And I'm very much so right now. I hate it.
alannablue at 11:15 p.m.