12.05.2005
one more try
Lately I wonder more and more if I'm the one making a big deal out of everything, or whether I truly feel overwhelmed by my relationships with friends and family, work, and my self-improvement endeavors. I feel like I don't have enough "me" time, but when I do have time to myself, for myself, I don't do anything. All I do lately is read, play online, download music, and watch TV or movies. I still haven't cleaned my bathroom (it's been like a year - no kidding), organized my closet (almost two years), or done any housework (months). These things bug me, but when I have the time to do them, I don't want to. I mean, I never *want* to clean, but if somethings bugs me enough, I do it. Not this time. I'm kind of acting like Joe - putting things off because for no reason other than perpetuating feeling shitty about it.
I talk myself out of everything, justifying that doing those things won't make me any happier. And although that's true, Cindy has said before that physically organizing/cleaning/throwing old stuff out can be a catalyst for the same mental changes, as well. So the act/result itself of cleaning my closet is irrelevant - it's the sense of being able to accomplish something difficult that's been weighing on my mind that would be good for my brain. So I should just suck it up and do it. I have a four-day weekend this week, so I will endeavor to get something done.
I also need to address my physical health. I need to finish my teeth work, followup with the gynecologist again, and probably get an overall physical. I got my vision tested last week (20/20 in my right eye and 20/13 in my left eye, for an overall of 20/15+ - woo hoo!), and my cholesterol a few months ago when I gave blood (within acceptable levels, but on the high side of normal). So I've got some good things going on. If I could start working out again, I think it would be a lot better this time, especially combined with the changes I've been making with the help of my nutritionist.
Yet - all these things overwhelm me and I end up full-circle, like always. Mom and Cindy say that I could just concentrate on one thing at a time, and try not to stress about the big picture. I'll keep trying.
alannablue at 11:04 p.m.