03.26.2005
but the depression came back
I'm going to ask a question and answer it, but be patient.
Why is that whenever I stop for a second and look around, I get depressed?
Before I answer that, let me set the background for you. I have a decent-paying job (I'm able to sloooowly pay off my debt and pay my monthly bills, as well as pay for lots of dinners/necessities for my best friend/roommate), a nice boyfriend (a re-boyfriend, actually, but this time we're a lot more mature, as it's been 4 years since our last attempt, and it's working out surprisingly well so far, which has been almost 3 months), caring family and a few friends that I either talk to regularly or hang out with occasionally, a car that works well and that I love, and a pretty decent apartment and furnishings. Sounds great, so far, right?
I also have done some good things for myself lately - I took some career-furthering tests recently and passed with flying colors; I volunteer weekly as a tax preparer for low income families; and I've been applying/interviewing for better jobs in my company.
In other words, I've been really busy these last few weeks/months. Today I got a breather. Last night I went to a concert with my best friend and two other close friends, got home really late, talked to my boyfriend at 5am right before his flight to Japan for 10 days, and didn't wake up until noon. I caught up on some TV, took my car to the shop to get fixed, and then went to see the movie "Constantine."
As soon as the credits started rolling and everyone but me left the theater, my mind kicked into high gear, I'm sure of it. Being able to pinpoint the exact moment my mood changes is a skill I'm getting better at over the years. When I was done reading the casting credits to see who played a certain part (the angel Gabrielle), I walked into the lobby feeling confident, hot, self-assured. I used the bathroom and then walked out to my car. I lit a cigarette, and the mental onslaught began. I felt/feel calm yet thoroughly depressed. As contradictory as the confident/depressed feelings may seem, they often go hand-in-hand with me for some reason. Your guess is probably better than mine; I'm too close to the situation to tell.
So now onto answering the question posed. Why am I depressed?
I think I've done a terrific job since last year of knowing just how busy to keep myself so that I don't sink into the depression pit I was in before. But the moment things slow down enough for me to think about shit, I immediately revert back to feeling empty. The well is still dry for the most part. My boyfriend does a great job of helping me fill it back up, but my personal well cannot be filled by a boyfriend alone. It takes friends and good things happening in my job, and a considerable amount of work on my part. And even though I'm still going to therapy, we've been talking alot lately about my current life events, not my still-lurking problems. But now that I realize they're still spitting and hissing at me, I need to address them yet again. And if I'm being really honest with myself, it's not just rearing its ugly head today for the first time recently. I've had some conversations with my best friend lately that indicate otherwise. Like the other day when I told him I lost my faith in anything good happening to me. Getting my big break, etc. And I do believe that. It's bad. I knew that dating my boyfriend wouldn't solve my problems, but it was easy for a while to push them to the side.
I'm tormented by not having any close friends like I used to, barring my best friend and my boyfriend. I also talk to my family, but that's in a separate category for me. And my relationship with my best friend is tainted right now by his situation (disability due to back problems, which he has to have a very expensive surgery for that he can't afford). It's affects his whole life, attitude, relationships, and work. I'm not saying it's not warranted, but it's become very hard to be okay with him not being okay all the time. He's always in pain, always in a bad mood, always fighting with/breaking up with/getting back together with his boyfriend, always broke, and always leans on me for support, sometimes literally as well as figuratively. It's a big burden for me. And yet I feel so selfish even feeling bad thoughts about the situation. It's not his fault. But damn, it's hard to deal with.
I'm also tormented by the actions of my ex non-boyfriend. Six months ago he reopened healing wounds of mine and tore them wide apart again, leaving me once again wondering why I wasn't enough. Why I'm never someone's "the one" or even just someone's "special someone". And more him-specific questions that leave me angry and dissatisfied with the way our world operates, like why am I the one who's suffering, when he's the one who acted unjustly? Maybe he'll wake up in 10 years and realize he's alone and unhappy, but meanwhile, I'm hurting. Fuck YOU. That sucks. On top of that, I feel guilty for feeling hurt by my ex while being in a good relationship with my current boyfriend. I've never experience that before. Still hurting once you move on. Maybe I wasn't ready, but then again, I've never felt like you have to be "ready" to be in a relationship, as long as the other person involved is willing to be with you while you're working your shit out, which my boyfriend says he is. But still, I feel guilty. I should have been Catholic, with all the guilt I feel.
So the most recent job I applied for at work, I got interviewed for twice. The decision will be made sometime this upcoming week. If I get it, it means moving to Texas, far away from everything and everyone I know. My best friend said he'd go with me, but I have my doubts about his credibility. My boyfriend has a job here he can't leave for the next few years, even if he wanted to. He's supportive about me going if I want to, which is cool, but I don't want to lose him yet.
My final conclusion is that everything in life is so fucking difficult all the time. Nothing's ever easy, or uncomplicated. And that really fucking sucks.
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Here's what my horoscope said today:
"Don't take things so seriously, especially today. People's words may come out wrong. Is this the calm before the storm? Might be. There's definitely a storm coming -- but remember, not all storms are frightening. Some are just wonderful. Exciting, exhilarating and downright stimulating."
That makes me feel good/anxious/nauseous, all at the same time. Nice.
Listening to: "Everybody's Changing" by Keane
alannablue at 9:45 p.m.