10.28.2004
dreaming
Dreams about Rod again. It's kind of wrong for my mind to create a deeper relationship with him than I really have. It's not fair, because I wake up in the morning after these dreams feeling a closeness with him that's completely false. Why does my mind do this? I've always thought that my brain, while my body sleeps, either brings up issues I need to deal with during awake time, or provides entertainment. But now I think there's a third possibility I never considered. That my mind is malicious against me, inciting emotions and memories and fuzzy feelings. This time about Rod, when there is *no* fuzzies related to him. Everyone sees it - he's closed off, dried up, cashed. What in the hell happened to him?
Anyway, besides feeling a little betrayed, I'm also a little amused by the fact that every time I see Rod, I dream about him that night. Sean was in the dream, too. I was wandering around this boarding school we attended, looking for him, to see him "one last time." I saw him a few times, but the main focus of the dreams was Rod. He's just so roly-poly little-boy cute to me. He's aw-shucks one minutes and fuck-you the next. He's a mystery, that's for sure.
Listening to: "Just Lose It" by Eminem
alannablue at 6:15 p.m.