10.19.2004
if you're not in the mood for a bitch session, skip this one
Someone help me. I would like to change the appearance of my diary, but I am not well-enough versed in such things. If you're reading this and your page is stylish and different, will you show me how? I'm alannabluer on AIM and alannablue on yahoo messenger. Find me. I would like something dark. I used to have a website that was all black with dark red roses as the theme, complete with cheesey blood-dripping graphics, skulls, and other assorted "creepy" animated graphics. Lame, I admit, but even that would be an improvement over this strawberry shortcake feeling I get whenever opening my own diary. I want these pages to support me when I dive into them, a vast black sea of roiling emotions, unstable and constant.
Work? Blah. That's how I feel. Completely boring. Not bored, but boring. I'm the golden child in my class. I've always been the teacher's pet, which is why I try to get away with as much smart-ass talk toward the teacher as I can. They still love me. Pathetic.
And everyone is annoying me. Not everyone, let me revise that. Joe, Kirsten, Rena, Mom, basically anyone who's having problems annoys me right now. I don't want to fucking hear your shit! Although I sit here and take it, and respond appropriately, and try to care. But inside I'm screaming bloody murder. And I know when I talk about myself, they're thinking the same thing. 'When will Courtney get over it? God, she's such a broken record lately.' Yeah, well, fuck YOU.
I want to go against my nature and stop talking to people. What would happen if I never spoke? Would anyone care all that much? As long as I still listened? I know a few people who like to hear my opinion and enjoy my conversation, but if I reduced my talking versus their talking to a 15:85 ratio, would they mind? 10:90? 5:95? Then maybe I could have something to report here, a science project, if you will. I'll write up my hypothesis, document my findings, and draw up the conclusions at the end. But what will the variables be? The amount to which I actively participate in conversation? Without getting really technical and noticeable, that would have to be a subjective measurement on my part, which would throw off the whole experiment from the start. Fuck.
I also want to be less outgoing, which kind of goes hand in hand with the not talking aspect. I want to hang back in crowds instead of leading the way, start following other people around, making them drive me places. I drive everywhere. I guess it's a control thing, or at least started out that way. Now, it's habit more than anything else. I'm going to stop taking out the trash when Joe forgets, stop cleaning up his cats' puke all over the house, stop bringing his dirty glasses into the kitchen, stop reminding him of important events like early voting. Joe's amazing - he can organize a week's worth of TV in his mind to make sure he's recording all his shows, but he can't remember when the movies are due back at Blockbuster.
I'm going to stop calling people back simply because it's the right thing to do. I'm also planning on never getting laid again. It's too scary, thinking about showing someone my naked body, scars and all. I'll be much better off if I never do that again, I'm sure of it. I can't promise I won't give a blow job ever again, though - it's just too much fun.
Listening to: Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come", ironically enough
alannablue at 8:29 p.m.