09.16.2004
Does everyone here look like an asshole to you?
I had a fun day today. First, I woke up about 11am and went to my bi-weekly therapy appointment. Then, I came home to Joe, who's being moody and upset. So I suggest we go grab some Chic-fil-a, cut his hair like he wanted to do, watch "Kill Bill: Vol 2" and bake some cookies before going out to dinner with a couple we're friends with around 7:30pm. So we did, and it was great. At dinner, the four of us played in a trivia contest at the bar/restaurant we were at, and won! A $50 gift certficate to the restaurant. It kicked so much ass! We fucking rule.
Anyway, so Joe and I come home, and watch "Dirty Dancing, Havana Nights" on pay per view. That's my new favorite movie, I tell you that right now. Dancing, romance, and erasing bigotry. Got to fucking love that. During the movie, Joe and I get all high, and when I get really high I get loud and talkative and very easily offended. Then Joe's boyfriend calls, so I get a reprieve from pretending to be mad at Joe or whatever, so we go outside to smoke a cigarette. Joe's pacing and talking on his cell and smoking, and it's driving me crazy. I start hearing the voices again, the "Mom" track playing in my head, the "Joe" track, the customer track, all the little inner dialogues I hear between myself and other people. It's like I can astral project and watch myself have this conversation with the person, except I'm the one controlling what's happening. I'm the actor and the director. It's fucked up.
So now I'm text-messaging with Sean, back and forth about the promise he made himself not to go to the casino and how he did last night and won $180. And now he went tonight and lost $200. Too bad, because he said he'd buy me something if he won tonight. Damnit. Once he went to a Christmas party with me only because I gambled with him about it. I said if I won this game we were playing, he had to go with me. And if I lost, I'd do something for him (I forget what). I won, so he went. Now, believe me, he still could have gotten out of it with me, but he didn't. He went to my work Christmas party at my fascist boss's house. And lived through the torment of it all with me. He wasn't patient, or especially talkative with my co-workers, but he was there. And he gave me a reason to leave early, with much haste. I loved him that night.
And now all he does is text-message me cryptic appeals for attention, and shies away if I actually give him the affection he's seeking, but keeps writing back if I withhold my love for him. This kid is fucked up, and he knows it because he keeps coming back to me for more abuse. To be the mirror for him, and yet he hates what I show him about himself. It's a wicked, twisted cycle this guy has himself and me on. I wish I knew how to stop it, or at least point the way. I don't think I'll ever reach him, and I also don't know if I'll ever be able to let go. A two-way abusive, co-dependent relationship is what I'd have with this guy. Do I really want that? How sick am I?
Listening to: the inner voices only, they're loud enough
alannablue at 1:28 a.m.