10.08.2004
friggin' idiots!
I feel irresponsible for not writing in here this week. I've been busy, which I could use as an excuse. I've been confused, which is closer to why I haven't. I can't make my thoughts concrete...they're too runny, like bad scrambled eggs. What I've been thinking lately is that it bugs me the way I am about everything. Well, not everything, I like quite a bit of the way I am. Generous, smart, blah, blah, etc. etc. But I don't like that I feel this overwhelming need for attention. I mean, there's nothing wrong with taking my fair share of the spotlight, but sometimes it's so dumb the way I act out. Like the other day at the mall I bought Joe a silver ring with a gecko on it that I knew he would love, and I told the lady working the kiosk about why I bought it for him so she'd think I was sweet (which she did - awww). Why was that necessary? Why do I tell so many jokes? I mean, not knock-knock jokes or anything, but I constantly make situations funny. I'm good at it, which is half of what I enjoy, but I also enjoy the laughs, the acceptance from others. What kind of bullshit is that?
I know everyone does it, no big deal. But sometimes, it bugs me. Another thing that bugs me is the way my dad is affectionate with me, especially in front of other people. Mom always tells me this one story how dad supposedly delusioned his terrific fatherhood to his family, and one day they came to visit. My dad's sister apparently mentioned to my mom how great a dad my dad is, and my mom burst out laughing. "Yeah," she said. "If being a great dad means not paying your child support and never seeing your kids." And I feel like he's like that, always putting smoke and mirrors up between himself and the reality of his fatherhood with us. So now when he's affectionate, it feels wrong and creepy. Fake. Joe says it's because I feel like he doesn't deserve to be affectionate with me, and I think he's right, but that's not the whole reason. I also just feel like it's kind of wrong for grown men to be that way with their grown daughters. He doesn't molest me or anything, but he makes little kissies on my cheek like you would a little girl or boy. Or a boyfriend while being silly. It's just intimate in a way that my dad and I aren't, at least not in my opinion. And maybe part of that comes from my mom's very hands-off attitude. She's always said she's claustrophobic, so she doesn't like people getting real up close to her. And I'm like that, with certain exceptions. The exceptions being people I want to feel close to, physically or otherwise. But everyone else, even good friends, back up a little, wouldya? Gimme some fucking room. Sheesh.
So these are my thoughts. Take them if you wish, I have nothing else to offer you.
Listening to: Gershwin "Rhapsody in Blue"
P.s. Oh yeah. And I wussed out last night and text-messaged Sean, with some lame ass question about poker. Did I get anything out of it? No. Was I able to sleep after that? Sure. What the fuck.
alannablue at 10:15 p.m.